dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
