Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
