You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
