I showed him my bush... on skype.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
