now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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