I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
