Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
