ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
