Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
It was confusing and full of hummus
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
