way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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