Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
