So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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