Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
