Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
