also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
