I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
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On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
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Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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