take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
