We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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