a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
