it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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