A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
