I just cut my nipple shaving
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
