Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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