Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Sober January is a disaster.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
