ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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