flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My penis needs a shock collar
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
