Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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