i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
