I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i drank out of a bidet.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
