I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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