I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
