I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
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I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
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He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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