I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
