Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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