Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
