my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
