I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
you will always have a special place in my vag
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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