I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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