So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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