I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
