Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
