yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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