Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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