Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
