So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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