I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
