I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
