Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
