nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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