My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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