His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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