I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
