Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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