I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I FOUND THE LEGS
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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