I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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