I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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